Catastrophic Thoughts
Translated with Chat GPTI have long struggled with catastrophic thoughts. These are thoughts that take everything that could go wrong in a situation and amplify them on steroids! There are no limits to what can go wrong in the world of catastrophic thoughts. I experienced this firsthand recently. I decided to use a sunbed. It's not something I do often. In fact, I haven't done it in over 10 years. I prefer to sunbathe outdoors, with sunscreen. I take no chances. Now, I got it into my head that I would spend 8 minutes in the sunbed to see if it helped with the dark circles under my eyes and maybe gave me a little sense that spring is on its way.
It didn't! Not at all, actually! I was scared from the first second, and KokoMiriam took over completely. The lid was heavy, so what if I couldn't lift it up again? What if the plexiglass I'm lying on shatters? Then I'll fall straight down into a sea of fluorescent tubes that I know explode into a fine dust that would surely cut me up everywhere, in my skin, lungs, eyes, and everywhere. I would have bled to death in seconds! Or maybe the lid gets stuck and won't open! And the machine breaks so it never stops. Then I'll lie here until the evening shift comes to close and finds me like a crispy piece of meat on the grill! But here, Miriam managed to take over for a brief moment. Of course, Morten would miss me before then. He would come home from work and look for me as soon as he couldn't find me at home. Then KokoMiriam took over again. He doesn't know you're here. Plus, it's many hours until then. You'll be just as crispy when he finds you. And I've seen on TV that someone got trapped in a sunbed and died. So I know it can happen. TV is never wrong! What if someone locked me in here? Did the door just move?? I can't see because I'll surely go blind if I open my eyes inside the sunbed. So I turn my head and peek quickly before closing my eyes again. This only made it worse because I didn't have time to see properly, so my imagination went wild.
After 4.5 minutes of these and many more thoughts about everything that could go wrong, I give up. I've been holding onto the bed to avoid falling through and wondering if I can get out of the opening if the lid gets stuck. I can't take it anymore. I push the lid to climb out. It doesn't budge. Panic sets in fully, and I use my arms and legs to try to open it while rolling to the side and squeezing through the opening! I made it out!! It went well!! Then I remember that I've paid for this stuff. I'm too stingy to let the last few minutes go to waste. I feel torn. So I stand in front of the opening and think that I'll probably get some rays on my body out here too. Then I didn't completely lose, really. Neither money nor the battle against catastrophic thoughts. Yes, I know! But it's important to focus on the positive, and that's what I could accomplish in that situation.
Memory from when there was real sun that wasn't trying to trap me
These catastrophic thoughts are truly terrible and incredibly difficult to stop. I can acknowledge and release them as much as I want, but they are many and convincing. Some thoughts are visual. I see myself crawling out of the sunbed with a shredded back and blood gushing. I hear glass cracking beneath me. I hear the door opening. I can smell fire if that's the thought. But it's not real. It's just in my head. It's absolutely awful, and I have no good way to stop them. Yet! I will manage it! Someday down the line. But for now, I just have to accept that they're there and let them flow. It's fine as long as I have the energy to handle the strain of having them. Because it's exhausting. It's a bit like walking through a haunted house. You're a little on alert all the time, and the senses are overwhelmed. It's so frightening. But it's for a period, so it's okay. And you know it's not real, so you just move on. But imagine walking around inside that house from the moment you wake up until you fall asleep, for days. It's exhausting!
Fortunately, it's not like that for me anymore. But for some, it might be! And since we humans don't walk around with thought bubbles over our heads, it's impossible to know how someone is feeling just by looking at them. So be considerate! Care! Have patience and compassion. Most people are good and deserve kindness. Remember that when you assume something about someone else. Everything is not always as it seems.
Here we are as happy as we look. But I had many tough rounds on that journey. Far from all of them were visible.